Do guys like fat girls?
This question haunts every woman who is or has been overweight. But it’s not the question you need to ask yourself. First, you need to ask yourself this:
Do you like fat girls? Or to phrase it accurately, do you love yourself?
Do you think you’re attractive? Do you believe you’re important? Are you confident in yourself? Do you love yourself despite your flaws?
It’s typical to worry about what others think. I’ve worried about others’ opinions for the majority of my life. Yet I forgot the opinion that mattered most—my opinion of myself.
Forget everyone else for a moment and truly focus on yourself. Loving yourself is the first step to finding somebody else to love you.
First you need to love yourself
My crushes as an overweight girl started when I was in elementary school. I liked this boy named James. He was cute, kind and funny. It was a typical elementary crush.
Like a typical elementary-age child, I never worked up the courage to tell him my feelings. I imagined myself walking up to him and telling him how I felt, though I never turned those dreams into reality.
Fast forward to high school. I had a handful of crushes in the past, but I was going to encounter a beast I had no clue how to handle: a potential crush on me.
Does he or doesn’t he?
It began as an odd acquaintanceship with Mike in my freshman year of high school. He talked to me about odd topics, asking me unusual questions and giving me weird compliments.
Part of me thought that he liked me. Mike talked to me all the time. Though the compliments were strange, they were detail-oriented and weren’t backhanded. He seemed to enjoy being around me.
Another part of me said that he was just taunting me. Mike was too thin, attractive and popular to like a fat girl like me. I rationalized that he talked to me because he enjoyed poking fun at me.
I couldn’t understand why dating an overweight girl like me would interest anybody. There was no way that he could like me in that way.
I was interested in giving a relationship with Mike a try, yet I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt if he wasn’t actually interested in me. Being teased scared me. Being open and honest with myself, let alone anybody else, was terrifying.
To this day, I’m not sure if Mike liked me. I can only remember through the eyes of an obese, insecure teen girl.
Though it would be interesting to know for certain, I’m glad I never clarified my relationship with Mike. Looking back, I hated myself too much to be able to give anybody else anything but hate.
Before you enter a relationship, you need to be able to give yourself what you want to give another. You need to be able to love, forgive and trust yourself before you can consider giving them to another person.
If you don’t know how to give yourself love, you’ll be clueless how to give it to anybody else.
Love is a bumpy road
I was still losing weight and learning to love myself when I met my husband, Rob.
I wasn’t secure with my looks. I thought I wasn’t living up to my potential. Rob’s ambition, smarts and dedication intimidated me. How could somebody such as Rob ever like (or love) a person like me?
I was afraid he would realize how much work I needed. I was waiting for the moment when he would finally understand me and be repulsed. I was waiting for him to tell me I wasn’t good enough, the way I told myself that every day.
I had these fears for a long time.
If you start a relationship when you don’t love yourself, you’ll have many hardships along the way.
You’ll ask the same questions over and over. How much does he like me? Do I deserve a person like this? How can I ever measure up? Does he think I’m too fat? Why does he like me in the first place?
That last one is a zinger. If you can’t love yourself, you won’t be able to understand why someone else would love you.
Let love find you
My peers were starting to have relationships as young as 12. They weren’t serious relationships, but I was still jealous. Since I was insecure and lonely, I was jealous of anyone who found someone that understood, cared for and stood by them.
I never had a close relationship with anybody. I was a young, uncertain teen girl. I had more insecurities than friends.
I wanted a relationship for love. I didn’t love myself and didn’t get much love from my distant family or friends. I wasn’t getting the love that I needed.
You can’t replace self-love with love from another.
In my experience, it’s better to let love come naturally.
Even after goofy Mike literally asked me on a date, I didn’t take him seriously. I was too insecure and loathed myself too much to be able to understand what another person could value in me.
After Mike, I tried to force it with a guy named Forrest.
I thought Forrest was the ideal boyfriend. Caring, funny, talented, gentle, heartfelt, playful, passionate. He was easy on the eyes, too.
I fell fast and hard. I was 16 and he was 18. We acted together in a summer theatre program called Second Stage. I met him at auditions and it was love at first sight; for me, at least.
Our friendship began that summer and stayed strong. I regularly dreamed of telling him how I felt, but I was too self-conscious and nervous. I didn’t build up the courage to tell him until over a year after we met.
Worries bounced around my brain late at night. Does he know that I like him? Does he like me back? Does he think I’m too fat? Would he ever date a girl like me? Am I being obvious enough?
My questions danced between two topics: did he know I liked him, and was it possible for him to like me, or someone like me—a fat girl.
When I confessed how I felt, he replied that he’d known the whole time. He also admitted that he didn’t return my feelings.
Forrest confirmed by biggest fears. He didn’t return my feelings. And, he’d known my feelings about him for over a year and never said anything. I was heartbroken.
I should have seen it coming. I wasn’t being subtle and yet he had made no counter-move. At the time, I told myself I wasn’t being obvious enough. Now I realize that refusing to address my feelings was already my answer. I just didn’t want to accept it.
With Mike, I was too self-conscious to know my worth. With Forrest, I was too desperate to understand his subtle rejection.
Forrest’s denial stung. I didn’t pursue a romantic relationship for nearly two years. I was seriously heartbroken. Yet heartbreak was what I needed to build the foundation of my self-esteem.
Ready for love
I signed up for OKCupid in the spring of 2013. Heartbreak, starting college and becoming vegan helped me grow in confidence over the last two years.
I wasn’t desperate on OKCupid the way I’d been with Forrest. I was opening myself up to new situations and I wasn’t going to throw myself at every guy who contacted me.
Joining OKCupid further boosted my confidence. I’d lost around 40 pounds since I’d admitted my feelings to Forrest. I was more attractive because I cared about myself and what I put into my body.
The number of messages I received on OKCupid confirmed that I had something valuable to offer. I wasn’t just an insecure fat girl anymore. True, I still had some weight to lose and wasn’t completely confident in myself. But I wasn’t about to accept the first guy that came my way.
I was polite and naïve, so I replied to any guy who didn’t message me with “Hey” or “You’re hot”. I dwindled down my conversations to a handful who were smart, thoughtful and intriguing.
And one of those conversations turned into how I met my husband.
You might assume that I was actively looking for a boyfriend on OKCupid. I don’t see it that way. By creating an account on OKCupid, I was opening myself up to love, not setting a goal to find love.
Yes or no: do I need to lose weight to date?
Whether or not you need to lose weight depends upon your love for yourself.
Do you love yourself? Do you truly know you’re valuable? Are you honestly comfortable with your own weight? Be honest with yourself.
If you can honestly say ‘yes’ to all those questions, you don’t need to lose weight to date.
Dating isn’t all about physical attraction. Dating is about many things. Mainly, it’s about physical intimacy, emotional intimacy and adding enjoyment to your life. Partners should provide all three.
If you can’t honestly say ‘yes’ to those questions, you might need to lose weight. Not for the reason you think, though.
Lose weight for yourself, not for somebody else
I spent years hating myself and pleasing others. I constantly worried about talking and acting perfectly. I focused on pleasing everybody and making them like me.
That’s not the way to find friends or maintain healthy relationships.
To stop worrying about others, I needed to start focusing on myself.
I asked myself: What did I want? What did I need?
I wanted and needed to:
- lose weight
- love myself
- be confident
- be secure
Losing weight was one way for me to do those things.
I wasn’t loving myself when I was obese. I physically hurt myself through the food I ate. I mentally tortured myself by putting myself down.
In the past, I tried to lose weight for others. I tried to lose weight because my mother wanted me to. I tried to lose weight because I thought I would make more friends. I tried to lose weight because I thought that’s what society wanted.
In the end, those reasons didn’t motivate me enough to stick to my weight loss plans.
I began to lose weight when I started to become healthier. I longed to love my body, find joy and live the life I dreamed of. Being unhealthy, lethargic and cranky weren’t part of my goals.
I couldn’t focus on other people’s opinions to lose weight. I needed to focus on myself. I became healthier and began to lose weight for me.
I didn’t need to lose weight because I wasn’t pretty enough to get a boyfriend. I needed to lose weight to learn to love myself before I found a boyfriend.
Do guys like fat girls?
Yes, some guys like fat chicks. Who knows? Mike might’ve been okay with dating an obese girl.
Other guys don’t. Maybe Forrest wasn’t one of the guys who like big girls.
Would I resent Forrest if he didn’t date me because I was fat? In the past, I would’ve. I would’ve thought it was shallow and cruel.
Now I wouldn’t, since I realize what you weigh and eat is connected to how much you value yourself and your life.
Appearances matter. It’s an ugly truth. Evan, a blogger and dating coach, explains it well:
See, we can’t separate looks from the package. It’s PART of the package, whether we like it or not. A store might have amazing and classy merchandise, but if there’s a misspelled sign outside, flyers on the window, and graffiti on the door, you might not go in to find out. Is that YOUR fault for judging the book by its cover? No, it’s the store’s fault for not realizing that looks matter.
Love Yourself, Then Love Somebody Else
When I was obese, I didn’t value myself or my life much. And I sure didn’t love myself.
After losing 70 pounds, I’ve become more confident in myself and I love myself. I control my health (and weight) through the food I eat and the exercise I do because I value my life.
Does losing weight mean you love yourself? No. You don’t love yourself enough to live healthy when you starve yourself, become bulimic or follow fad diets.
Learn to love yourself by losing weight the proper way. Follow solid nutrition advice, such as:
- eat whole grains
- eat more fruits
- eat more vegetables
- eat more legumes
- eat less meat, dairy and eggs
[color-box color=”yellow”] [icon name=”spoon”] Learn how to eat healthy with my dietary guidelines.[/color-box]
Learn how to love yourself by nourishing your body with what it needs to survive and thrive. Plus, you’ll boost your self-esteem when you’re proud of the person in the mirror.
Everyone wants a lover who cares about themselves and values their life. Being with somebody who’s constantly putting themselves down is depressing. You can’t expect somebody else to care about you when you don’t.
You don’t need to be a supermodel to date
Remember how I told you I met my husband on OKCupid? I’d lost some weight by then, but I wasn’t nearly as thin as I am now. I still weighed around 160 to 175 pounds. I still had a jiggly belly and my BMI hovered at the upper end of the healthy range.
Though I wasn’t thin, Rob saw that I cared about myself. He saw a young woman who was comfortable in her own skin, valued her life and took control of her health.
I was making progress on my health and how much I loved myself. I didn’t see it at the time, but he did.
I wasn’t perfect. But I didn’t need to be perfect to find a boyfriend. All I needed was to show that I cared about myself.
Are you ready?
Deciding if you’re ready to date requires you to be honest with yourself.
If you truly love yourself at 250 pounds, get out there and find the love of your life.
If you don’t, you need to work on loving yourself first. Losing weight and becoming healthier is one way to start loving yourself. And a bonus side effect is that you’ll look hotter, live longer and feel happier.
I’m glad I didn’t find a guy who wanted to date an obese girl. I could’ve found a partner who was unhealthy like me. But I wouldn’t be the person I am today if somebody wanted to date a self-loathing, insecure girl.
I’m glad I found Rob because he pushes me to stop being complacent with my life. Rather than allowing the current to choose my course, I grabbed the oars and row my lifeboat in the direction I want.